i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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