Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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