i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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