is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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