he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
