remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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