Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
