I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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