I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
