I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
