he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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