The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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