went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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