drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
