He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
