he thought i was a dude.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
