We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
