I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
