Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
