just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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