make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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