I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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