I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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