just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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