Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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