how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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