Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
