When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
