apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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