I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
