after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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Alive.
So much puke
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
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Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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