that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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