sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
