Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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