At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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