Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
