Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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