she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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