I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
