How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
