Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
