have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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