Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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