Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
