I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
