There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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