I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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