I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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