I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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