Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
