You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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