Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
