Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
