I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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