haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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