dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
