The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
dude. I can hear the air.
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