i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's shark week go big or go home
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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