Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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